The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. I had a job, and then very suddenly, I didn't have a job. It's a little embarrassing to say, but I broke. I know the exact day and time that I broke but only with the clarity of hindsight. At the time I didn't know. Ian knew and the doctor knew. I didn't.
For the record it was Monday 6th July. The worst day I have ever had in my entire teaching career and I broke. I remember sobbing to Ian and the doctor in the car at lunch time. I remember walking back into the building and feeling that this day, this time, would never end. I remember getting to the doctor's that night and having him insist on seeing me the next Monday. I remember going over to the home of our friends, being given pie, and having to rely on Ian to make all the decisions because I couldn't - not even the decision about whether to have tea or coffee. I didn't even know until 5;30 the next morning whether I was going back to work.
I did go to work that day, and the next, and the next, and the next. But I was broken. Everyone knew it, but me. I saw the doctor on Monday 13th and he said no more. He was not going to stand by and watch me completely fall to pieces and he said that would happen if I did not get out of that environment right away.
So just like that I didn't have a job any more. I spent about a fortnight sleeping. Dropping the kids at the bus stop, coming home and sleeping for 3 hours. Waking up, having lunch, and sleeping for another couple of hours. I haven't slept in the day time for years. I spent about a fortnight medicating with food and gained 2 kilos in 2 weeks.
It wasn't until I did a stress test and came out at 94% and then on the same day had a minor bingle with the car that I have no idea how it happened, that I gave in. Yes, I was stressed to the point of illness. Yes, I had to give up work. Yes, I had to concentrate all my efforts on getting well. No, what I was experiencing was not okay.
So here we are, almost a month to the day from when I broke. I am home. I am getting well. We are making plans for the future. Four weeks ago the future was 10 minutes from now. Today the future stretches far beyond.
There are irons in the fire. I'm doing everything I can to get well, hence the dusting off of the blog and getting back to writing. I'm crocheting. I'm cleaning and tidying, doing homemakery things. We're getting together with friends - socialising even...in our home or theirs. I'm letting go of perfection and going with the maxim that good enough is good enough. We've enrolled the kids in distance education for next year - the school experiment has been a disaster - and we're researching ways that I can continue to earn an income while staying at home and caring for the kids. It IS possible. That's not to say that everything is rosy. There are still bleak and dark moments, but they are moments, not hours or weeks.
The sun has begun to peep over the horizon
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