Chickafinty ~ A Life in the Laundry

On falling short

I am typing in the midst of a mess.  Piles of paper, empty jewel cases (the cd kind), a dvd spindle, about 148000 old business cards belonging to Mister Bear from his former job.

There's stuff on the floor, on the desk, on the window sill.

There's boxes of scrapping stuff not yet unpacked from the Girls Night In two weeks ago.

The dining room is not much better. We haven't done any dining in there for quite a while.

The sofa bed is piled with sheets and towels that have to be inspected before they can be folded and put away.  Chickabid had a huge play in the flooded poo pit last week (don't ask.  please, if you love me, don't ask) and some of the stuff on the line got fouled.  I am trying to screw up the courage to deal with it, but no success yet.

The lounge room is passable...so long as you ignore the filthy carpet overdue for a steam clean.  The bedrooms- over them we shall draw a veil.

The toy room is fine so long as the door stays shut.

I am a child of the King, but my life is so screwed and flawed how can His light possibly shine out.  I'm at the end of my ability to cope.  I'm writing over here about what's really going on, and where I think we're headed and why.  I am torn between this life which is commanding so much time and effort, and the life which is to come.  I guess the biggest encouragement is seeing for the first time that the "great ones" of the Bible weren't really all that great after all.  They were fallible, frail human beings just like me.  They made mistakes - huge ones some of them...Peter and Moses immediately spring to mind - but they didn't trust in themselves.  They put their trust in God.  They didn't try to be more than they were.  They certainly didn't hold themselves up as spiritual models "Look at how fabulously spiritual I am", rather they looked to Jesus - the author and finisher of their faith.  Now, going back and looking at their words and actions we can clearly see the light shining through.  But they themselves were oblivious to the light and were only aware of their shortcomings and how far short they fell.

My personal inclination is to throw in the towel and give up.  To stop even trying for that perfection, cos brother, it ain't gonna happen.  But then, some encouragement from Philippians.  We're studying Philippians on Tuesday nights at home group and this verse jumped out.  It's from Philippians chapter 1 and verse 6"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

I don't get to throw in the towel.  There is still work for me to do. 

I'll be honest.  I am frightened.  I am frightened not about the end, for I know that is secure.  I am frightened about what lies between now and the end.  The Unknown.  At this time in history we're a mirror of Noah's time.  Noah knew that time was running out and he knew that he had a God appointed job to do.  Then, as now, there were those who mocked and scoffed and chose not to believe.  Noah had the strength and the courage to keep going in spite of the unbelief around him.  He chose to put his faith in God.  The rest of the people considered him a bit of a loony.  That was until the first raindrops fell.  Then they were forced to believe, but it was too late.

There will be more about this line of thinking at the climate change blog, but for the moment I'll say this.

We are nearing the end.  To continue the Noah metaphor, the storm clouds are gathering.  Opinion varies as to what they mean.  Some think it will pass over.  Some think that the clouds are empty.  Some refuse to see the clouds at all.  Some blame the clouds on God, or on his people.  George W is probably blamed for the clouds in some quarters.

Oh, yes.  The storm clouds are there and when they break, all hell will also break loose.  Pun completely and utterly intended.  But on those same clouds will come the Saviour, ready to gather His own.  The clouds that brought destruction to the world in Noah's day meant salvation to those resting in the safety of the ark.  It's worth thinking about and pondering on.

And while we wait, I have some housework to do ;)

As promised

At last I can share the big, exciting news.

Mister Bear has a new job!  As of 23rd June he will be the Information Systems Project Manager for Anglican Retirement Villages.  He has been with his present company since 1999, so this is a big move, but an eagerly anticipated one.

His new workplace is a half hour drive from home...it's not too far from you, Birdie :) and the package that he has been offered includes a car.  While the pay is somewhat better, the major draw for us is that he will be working so close to home and no longer subject to the vagaries of our city's "amazing" public transport system.  There will be some travelling involved - hence the car - but it will be within the metropolitan area.  No more trips to Bundy, Adelaide, Perth etc etc.  No more weekend conferences.  No more two and a half hour daily commutes to work!

I am so excited, especially when you look back on where we were 12 months ago.  It feels too good to be true, but it is true.

This is how it happened.

Very early in March, Mister Bear and I were talking about some serious issues and he was commenting that maybe he could do more to serve God, but wasn't sure exactly how or what.  On Palm Sunday  I found the ad in the church newspaper that comes out every month.  We looked at it together and Mister Bear said it sounded pretty good and he'd put in an application.  It was duly sent off.  He said at the time that he'd only get the job if it was what God wanted as there were a couple of criteria that Mister Bear was not an exact fit for.  Normally, I'd be a mess with all the upheaval going on, but I really felt quite calm about it...almost resigned really.  Three weeks went by and we had given up hope.  Then out of the blue came a phone call and an interview was organised.  It went very well and he was called back for a second interview two weeks later.  We heard nothing more for two weeks and had sort of pushed it to the back burner again.  Then, Mister Bear was asked to complete a couple of assessments and passed both with flying colours.  His referees were called and then last week, the formal offer of a job was made.

By about halfway through the process I started panicking with the "what ifs", but it has been so clear that this is the direction in which God has been leading that the panic only happens when I forget to trust.

His current boss asked him not to say anything until after the conference on the weekend, so I had to wait until today to tell the news.

We are so excited and looking forward eagerly to the future :)

Hopeful

We picked up a CPAP machine for Mister Bear on Tuesday.  Not an inexpensive purchase I might add...$2574 to be precise (ouch!) and he used it for the first time on Tuesday night.  He slept for 5 hours, woke up, got breakfast for everyone and stayed on his feet for a couple of hours at least.  While I was at work he loaded and unloaded the dishwasher twice, titdied up the lounge room, did 3 hours work, had a shower and did 2 minutes on the exercise bike?!?!?!?!  Needless to say he was a bit tired last night - but sleepy tired, not fatigued tired.

He used the machine last night as well, slept 7 hours (!) and has done so much today in the house I can hardly believe it.  And he's worked 3 hours as well and is working the other one right now next to me in the study.

We've eaten dinner at the table two nights running for the first time in 5 months, Mister Bear is vertical rather than horizontal all the time and I am so hopeful that this is the beginning of wellness for him.

Alone again

Mister Bear is in hospital again tonight.  It turns out that he does have sleep apnea - he stops breathing and chokes about 15 times an hour!!  He's being fitted for a CPAP mask tonight and in about a week or so we get to have one for ourselves.  Chickabid was in floods of tears again leaving the hospital, but he's gasbagging cheerfully on the phone with Grandma right now so I think he must have recovered a bit.

More later.

Alone

Mister Bear is in hospital tonight undergoing a sleep study to determine if he's got sleep aponea.  On the one hand I am sad and lonely and anticipating a cold, lonely bedtime (it's going to get down to 0 tonight...32F), ut on the other hand, this may spell the end of this period of illness.  He's looking forward to being normal again and so long as it doesn't sound selfish, so I am.

The latest thought bubble

Yet another call to the doctor yesterday and he has decided to stick with the initial diagnosis that he made back in June.  He thinks that Mister Bear's problem is sleep aponea.  We have an appointment with a sleep specialist on 23rd July and Mister Bear will have a sleep study some time after that.

It seems a bit out of left field to me, but whatever works and gets him back on his feet and back to a normal life works for me.

Note:  access to Chickafinty is temporarily blocked.  Apologies for any inconvenience.  "There's good in everything if you just look for it"

It might not be chronic fatigue

We saw Professor Wakefield today and taking everything on balance, we came away feeling quite positive.  He thinks that Mister Bear may not have chronic fatigue at all but *something* else.  Exactly what the something else might be, we don't know, but Prof. Wakefield seems very keen on ferreting it out and <drum roll> curing it!

He was using terms like "treatment protocol", which is infinitely better than "go home and rest".  We may be looking at him going into hospital for a few days while a variety of doctors poke and prod him and throw in their two cents worth, then present impressively large bills ;), but, BUT, we may get a diagnosis and the Bear might get his life back...wouldn't that be grand !

Trying not to get too excited

There are signs that Mister Bear might be getting better, if only a little.  Yesterday he woke up feeling not too bad, but the feeling went away quite quickly.

This morning he again awoke feeling a little better, but this time he felt well enough to get breakfast - for all of us - then did his usual 2 hour stint at the computer.  He had a shower...standing up!** and whilst he felt fatigued, was not wasted.  He rested for a couple of hours and then did the remaining 2 hour stint on the computer.

Tonight he is tired and achy, but not exhausted.  Not wasted.  Not shaky.

We're trying not to get too excited, but this might just be the beginning of his getting well again.

The cave is warm and cozy

I am sitting in the cave today.  Haven't been anywhere near the cave for a long, long time, but from the moment I woke up this morning, I knew it was a cave day.

Didn't run yesterday as Mum and Dad were here and there simply wasn't time.  My iPod arrived yesterday but <shamefaced confession> I couldn't undertsand how to work it.  I burned the Week 2 podcast onto a cd instead and went trundling up the street at the crack of dawn only to discover that it didn't burn properly and 3/4 of the workout just wasn't there.

I came home and started breakfast, but discovered that I hadn't set the dishwasher last night and it was still full of dirty, stinky dishes.

The cat decided that the top of the kitty litter was the best place for his morning contribution so that had to be cleared up before I did anything else.

I set Mister Bear's porridge to cook on the stove and promptly forgot about it until Mum got out of the shower and found it merrily burning away on the stove top.

At that point, I gave up.  Today is not a good day.  The omens are so bad that I am not coming out to play.

There is a glimmer of good news and hope though.  Mister Bear's LFTs came back with an improvement, not a decline.  He *might* be beginning to road to recovery.  He's in downtime right now - the three hour break between work periods - and when I have finished this, we're going to sit in the lounge room and play Trivial Pursuit.  This is another good sign.  He's restless and can't settle to anything passive like reading, but too fatigued to do anything that requires effort.  I know it doesn't sound like it, but this is a POSITIVE SIGN.  He might, just might, be getting better.  For his sake, I hope so.  Life is totally sucky for him right now.

What do you make of this

Mister Bear woke up this morning and his eye looked like this:

It still looks like that.  It's very impressive and also a little scary.