Onwards, ever onwards

So the black lifted.  It lifted suddenly, some time around the composing of the previous post.  I don't know why it did; it just did.

Yesterday I couldn't control anything.  Today I am back in control.  Go figure.

Yesterday Mister Bear and I shuffled off to the pharmacy for the Tony Ferguson Mark 4.

Why are we doing this again?  A multitude of reasons first and foremost being that my new med has pushed me over the edge.  In seven months I have gained a stone, lost all the headway I had made and now am one BMI point away from qualifying for lapband surgery.  I am also no longer a size 20, and I need help putting my own shoes on.  I am one size away from not fitting into anything at Millers.  I am officially, unequivocally and profoundly, fat.  No two ways about it.  I am the fat chick.  My body is getting in the way of everything I want to do because there is just so freaking much of it.

I have to lose not 10 kilos, not 20 kilos, but an impossible totally-freaking-me-out 40 kilos.  Yes, I know I am putting the kybosh on it by saying it is impossible already, but seriously?!  40 kilograms?!  Yeah, darn tootin' it's impossible.  I also have to lose one-third of the circumference of my tummy.  Not "a few centimetres" One. Third.  That is an impossibly large number.

So why, exactly, are we doing this again?  Because we know it works.  Because we know we can do it.  Because it is not forever, it's just for now.  Because I don't have to lose the 40 kilograms all at once.  By this time next week it could be down to 38 kilograms. And then in a few weeks it will be only 30 and so on. Because if I don't do anything I'll be in triple figures by Christmas and that is a place I really don't want to go.  At my height I can't afford to.

This time, we have a plan.  We have both determined an interim goal weight.  We plan to stay on the Tony Ferguson until we reach that goal.  From there we will switch to Weight Watchers, slowly returning to a normal diet while (hopefully) watching the weight fall off.  I will return to thrice weekly gym visits, and then add in walking once my weight has dropped enough for walking to be a possibility.  My feet are overstrained at having to carry so much weight all the time and if I walk any more than a few hundred metres they cramp up painfully.  Pathetic to admit, but there you go; they do.  I can manage to the end of the street and back, but any further than that and I am in mass pain. With any luck the gym visits will also address the heart rate issue and I will stop freaking the girls out completely every time I go.

They have a promotion going at the Pharmacy.  For every $50 you spend you get a charm for the bracelet they give you when you sign up.  I'm wearing the bracelet on my left wrist.  It's only got one charm on it - the one I got yesterday.  But every time I look at the little teddy bear (of course I got a teddy bear!) it's reminder of why I am on this journey and what I stand to gain when I succeed.