Chickafinty ~ A Life in the Laundry

First weigh in

Forgot to blog about our first weigh in.  I lost 1.1kg (officially) and 7cm off my waist.  Am a bit disappointed in the weight loss, but very chuffed over the centimetres.  Mister Bear has lost 2.6kg, of course.  Men lose much faster than women and it is totally not fair.

The main take away from this is that we both lost weight, we both lost cms and we're both still in this for the long haul.

We weigh in again next Saturday.  I am hoping for a similar loss in both departments.

Bargain

We're going to a wedding tonight and if the weather had been fine, all would have been well.  Alas, however, the weather is cold and rainy which has meant a change of outfit for the Ladybug.  The change of outfit is all well and good except for shoes.  Ladybug has four pairs of shoes: sandals, runner, slippers and thongs.  Read for that no appropriate footwear for an evening wedding in the rain.

We hit the Plaza this morning in search of shoes.  ladybug is in the unhappy place of not-quite-transitioning between a girls size 4 and a ladies size 5.  Girls' shoes in size 4 are really, really difficult to find.  Payless was a blowout as was Mathers and Target.  They had a perfect pair at Spendless Shoes, but they were just a little too snug.  We tried Williams shoes as a last ditch effort before Big W.  Williams had a pair of perfect shoes, even down to the little silver sparklies on the buckles.  The catch?  They were $39.99.  Ouch.  Oh, well needs must when the devil drives and all that.  I decided to suck it up and just get them.

But...

Williams had a promotion going for holders of a Fusion card, their loyalty card.  Spend $50 and get $25 off.  I added some shoe laces and some shoe polish to the shoes, bumped it up to $53 something and they took $25 off.  Shoes, laces and polish for $28.  SCORE!

It's not often that the shoppers come out with the best of it, but today I did.

One thing worth listening to

In the the upset that the doctor caused last week, onle tiny thing that he said kind of got lost.  It was the most worthwhile thing that he said in the whole visit.  He said I have to stop the "all or nothing" mentality that drives most of what I do.

He's got a point.

I do have an all or nothing mentality.  If I can't do *all* the house and get *all* the house perfect, I won't even try.  If I fall off the diet wagon, then I may as well just lie by the side of the road and stuff my face with anything edible cos it's all ruined.  If I can't find half an hour to study something in the Bible, then I won't study it at all because near enough is not good enough; it's all or nothing.  Mostly, it seems, it's nothing.

Today is my first opportunity to try out a new way of thinking.

Yesterday we had a guest to dinner - a colleague of Mister Bear.  I have never in my life provided a meal for a guest and not also provided a dessert.  Last night I got a an apple and sultana strudel.  As it turned out we didn't get to have it for dessert as both Mister Bear and his colleague had a seminar to go to.  When Mister Bear got home the four of us had the dessert (of course).

Ok.

So I had a slice of strudel.

Did it cause major damage to the diet?  No.  I am 200g up on yesterday, but 200g is nothing.  I have lost 2kg since starting, so I am still 2kg ahead of where I was this time last week.  That's a positive.

Will I have dessert today?  No.  I won't.  

I will probably have something not on the diet though as we are going to a wedding tonight.  Will that be the end of the world?  No.  It won't. 

Will I be back on the diet wagon tomorrow?  You bet!

Will I weigh less at the weigh-in on Sunday?  Yes, indeedy.  Probably in the 2-3kg range (gotta be happy with that!)

Do I feel better than I did this time last week?  Yes.  I do.

Will I go to the gym again this week?  In all probability, yes.  One 500 calorie workout will pretty much erase the strudel.

Does it have to be all or nothing?  No, it doesn't.  Sometimes the best you can do is the best.

My new mantra is "it's not for ever; it's just for now".

Nor is it all or nothing...sometimes it's something.

I have to find that happy place in the middle and be content with that.

Can't believe I missed it

For the first time in quite a few years I missed celebrating my Blog Birthday!  Chickafinty-A Life in the Laundry began 9 years ago at Diaryland.  Shortly after it began, it moved to Blogger and then, in March 2004 (I think) it moved to its permanent home here at Typepad.

What an amazing nine years it has been.  Chickfinty began a few days before my grandmother died in 2002, and several months before Ladybug was born.  For the past nine years Chickafinty has been my brain dump place and I am very grateful for it.

I am also grateful for you, my readers.  Thank you for coming along on the ride :)

QotD

Is this going to become another boring weightloss blog?

Probably.

At least for a while as we all adjust to this new way of being.

We're at Day 2 and I am not feeling too bad.  I was poking around on the Tony Ferguson forums today and was inspired by all the stories of people who have lost huge amounts of weight...over 50 kilograms some of them.  Makes me believe that I really can do this.  It will take a long time, but just maybe I can find the resources from deep within somewhere and actually reach a goal.  More than anything I am frightened of failing.  My life has been one long, long trail of weightloss failures except for one breif success in 1994.  I got under 60kg in 1994 and looked and felt fantastic.  The weight all came back of course, most of it after I got married and then there were the kids and then I turned 40 and started a new med.  Each stage of life seemed to add a few more kilos.

If I am being realistic, under 60kg is not going to happen.  Once upon a time I wouldn't have been satisfied with anything less.  Now my main goal is to fit back into the clothes I have in the wardrobe and which I love.  That puts me at a size 14-16 and I would be happy with that.  Obviously a 14 would be better, but 16 will do.  That means a loss of 20 kilos from where I am now.  When I reach that goal we'll talk more about where to go from there.  There just seems so impossibly far.

A quick word to one of my readers...you'll know who you are :)  Thank you for that email last night.  It lifted my spirits to know that you care and thank you for your wise and kind words.  There's an email heading in your direction too, but I wanted to say a public thank you - it meant a lot :)

 

Success

Lest you think that all is doom and gloom, I shall share a picture of Handsome Harry and the fish he caught on our recent holiday.  It was just a little short of ingredient sized...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was very happy with it :)

 

Onwards, ever onwards

So the black lifted.  It lifted suddenly, some time around the composing of the previous post.  I don't know why it did; it just did.

Yesterday I couldn't control anything.  Today I am back in control.  Go figure.

Yesterday Mister Bear and I shuffled off to the pharmacy for the Tony Ferguson Mark 4.

Why are we doing this again?  A multitude of reasons first and foremost being that my new med has pushed me over the edge.  In seven months I have gained a stone, lost all the headway I had made and now am one BMI point away from qualifying for lapband surgery.  I am also no longer a size 20, and I need help putting my own shoes on.  I am one size away from not fitting into anything at Millers.  I am officially, unequivocally and profoundly, fat.  No two ways about it.  I am the fat chick.  My body is getting in the way of everything I want to do because there is just so freaking much of it.

I have to lose not 10 kilos, not 20 kilos, but an impossible totally-freaking-me-out 40 kilos.  Yes, I know I am putting the kybosh on it by saying it is impossible already, but seriously?!  40 kilograms?!  Yeah, darn tootin' it's impossible.  I also have to lose one-third of the circumference of my tummy.  Not "a few centimetres" One. Third.  That is an impossibly large number.

So why, exactly, are we doing this again?  Because we know it works.  Because we know we can do it.  Because it is not forever, it's just for now.  Because I don't have to lose the 40 kilograms all at once.  By this time next week it could be down to 38 kilograms. And then in a few weeks it will be only 30 and so on. Because if I don't do anything I'll be in triple figures by Christmas and that is a place I really don't want to go.  At my height I can't afford to.

This time, we have a plan.  We have both determined an interim goal weight.  We plan to stay on the Tony Ferguson until we reach that goal.  From there we will switch to Weight Watchers, slowly returning to a normal diet while (hopefully) watching the weight fall off.  I will return to thrice weekly gym visits, and then add in walking once my weight has dropped enough for walking to be a possibility.  My feet are overstrained at having to carry so much weight all the time and if I walk any more than a few hundred metres they cramp up painfully.  Pathetic to admit, but there you go; they do.  I can manage to the end of the street and back, but any further than that and I am in mass pain. With any luck the gym visits will also address the heart rate issue and I will stop freaking the girls out completely every time I go.

They have a promotion going at the Pharmacy.  For every $50 you spend you get a charm for the bracelet they give you when you sign up.  I'm wearing the bracelet on my left wrist.  It's only got one charm on it - the one I got yesterday.  But every time I look at the little teddy bear (of course I got a teddy bear!) it's reminder of why I am on this journey and what I stand to gain when I succeed.

 

Black

If you're looking for a happy, uplifting, always look on the bright side kind of blog post, then this is not where you want to be.

The funk that I blogged about earlier in the week has become a full-on depressive episode, with brief forays into the not-quite-so-bad bits, which is why I am able to write this.

I went to see the Psych this week.  I was at a low ebb when I went.  This *should* be a good thing.  This time it was not.  What started out as a simple question about my new med and the weight gain it has caused led to a lengthy monologue on weightloss from said Psych. including all the things that, in his view, should form no further part of my life, which basically amounted to removing every single food that makes life worth living, including chocolate.  And replacing it with cabbage.  And lemongrass.  And chilli.  

For the rest of my life.

I could live to 90.

If all I could eat was cabbage and lemongrass and chilli, I wouldn't be too enthused about living beyond next week.

Last time I checked he's a Psych, not a practitioner in bariatric medicine.  He does however have the distinction of having lost a massive amount of weight and he keeps it off with cabbage, lemongrass and chilli amongst other things.

I know it is pathetic and stupid, but I ended up in tears and he just wouldn't leave me alone.  Like some blundering, short-sighted hippopotamus* he kept on and on and on and on until I was fit for neither man nor beast to talk to.  It was seriously the worst, most depressing, most disturbing doctor's appointment of my life. The only good thing about it was that he didn't charge me $125 for the consultation as usual, but bulk-billed me instead.  I came home a weepy mess and have been in a deep, dark funk ever since.

Actually, a deep, dark, guilt-ridden funk as every time I go to eat, I feel guilty about it being something edible and not cabbage, lemongrass or chilli.  Can I just mention that whilst cabbage and I are casual nodding acquaintances, chilli and lemongrass are sworn enemies?  

Right at this minute, I don't feel too bad.  Give me another half hour and I'll be thousand-yard-staring.  Mister Bear is getting the dinner tonight, as he has organised almost all our meals over the past few days, as I can't.

Mum and Dad took one look at me in church this morning and knew.  Mr P took one look and knew.  Mrs B took one look and knew.  Mister Bear and I are teaching Sunday School at the moment so there was no choice in being there today.  I feel absolutely dreadful.

Funk

Ten sure signs that mizbear is in a funk:

1. inability to organise anything, even a cup of coffee
2. overwhelming feelings of being overwhelmed
3. not coping with any changes to routine
4. long wakeful periods in the night
5. inability to cope with money
6. heavy reliance on chocolate and coffee
7. lots of pointless piddling about on the computer
8. inability to make telephone calls
9. inability to make decisions...the current one is so hard and it's only choosing the next read-aloud novel
10. extreme tiredness; extreme lethargy

I'm funked.